Top 5 Things You Should Just Forget About

1- Getting a decent parking spot on any college campus. In related news, don’t even try to park illegally…fifty bucks says there is a parking services agent hiding in the bushes. 

2- Wearing your hair down in this heat. Don’t lie girl, you know that ‘do is gonna be in a topknot before you even make it to the subway.

3- Waking up early to work out on the weekend. I’ve told myself this was going to happen, oh, a few THOUSAND times in my life…and I’ve never done it once.

4- Acting funny, witty, smooth, or refined when needed. Sorry player, this is going to be the EXACT moment you knock over your glass and/or get a piece of basil stuck in your teeth.

5- Choosing the “right” line in security. It’s always a gamble…and I inevitably get stuck behind the newb who forgets to take out his laptop…way to hold up the entire.freaking.line. dude…

Top 5 Things I Would Do In An Alternate Universe

1- Throw my shoe at annoying people at the gym…while running on the treadmill.

2- Flip the plate of anyone who chews with their mouth open. They deserve to have a lapful of lo mein, onlookers be damned.

3- Yell at children to STFU when I’m trying to talk to their parents.

4- Defriend anyone who has ever left me a voicemail.

5- Tell people who constantly talk about how #blessed they are that, in fact, this statement often comes off as superior and condescending.

Top 5 Moments Everyone Should Experience

1- Graduation day. Whether your school has cap and gowns, white summer dresses, or those happy wizard costumes worn by PhDs…enjoy it. Revel in it. Drown yourself in champagne…then wake up and get to work, son.

2- Morning bliss. That moment when you wake up before your someone, look at them as they sleep, and swear to yourself that you’ve never seen anything more beautiful.

3- Physical domination. You ran the ENTIRE 10k? You volunteered and roofed a freaking HOUSE? Whatever it is, everyone deserves an endorphin-filled/glorious moment of sweaty sovereignty.

4- Ego karma. You know the scene…you accidentally let your humility slide and say something that the real you would NEVER say. Then someone calls you on it—and you both know you deserve it. Consider it a lesson learned [and a free pass to check the next toolbag you encounter].

5- Kid giggles. Is there anything more fulfilling than making a wee one laugh uncontrollably? Nope! It’s instant therapy and you get to bust out your old cookie monster impression. Win-Win, I say.

Top 5 Things You Should Stop Doing

1- Placidly standing on the left side of the escalator. That is for the right side. The left side is for people with places to go!! If you get pushed down or punched one day, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

2- Commenting back (individually) to everyone that compliments your new profile pic. While you may think you’re only being polite, it looks a little self-involved and desperate. A simple “Thanks Guys!” should suffice.

3- Running at the gym. Go outside! It’s a tougher workout and you get that VD!

(Vitamin D…what were you thinking?!)

4- Showering with your bf’s soap/shampoo/conditioner all-in-one. It smells awful and is everything/nothing at the same time.

5- Misspelling third grade words. The world notices and hates you for it.