Monthly Archives: May 2014

Top 5 Reasons I Need To Make It Big

1- I really, really love jewels and gemstones. So much it hurts. With that said—most occupations frown upon, say my new antique rhinestone watch, as everyday attire. Hmph.

2- I don’t like maneuvering with the masses. Under most circumstances, you couldn’t pay me to go to a stadium-filled concert (Dolly excluded, obv)…but I still like to partake in the fun. Private concert at Versailles anyone? 

3- Sometimes, weekly manicures are the only thing that makes the world tolerable. 

4- I want to be able to wear what I want, where I want, at any time I want. In other words, caftans and diamonds all day/err day.

5- I would do really nice things. Charitable things. I’ve already gotten my platforms figured out actually, just in case you’re wondering. 

 

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Top 5 Reasons I Might Jump You In An Elevator

1- You say something about Dolly. She is a goddess and I will not hear otherwise.

2- You spill a cocktail on my new Ferragamos. If you can’t handle your alcohol, keep it away from my couture.

3- You do something to hurt my little brother. In this scenario, you gonna need that bodyguard…and about 12 of his beefy friends.

4- You go off on some right wing rant that muddles religion, ethics, and politics into one indistinguishable puddle of idiocy. Or you like Glenn Beck. Same thing, really.

5- You go after my boo. Another reason I think Bey is a robot who just does what she’s told…RiRi would have had to regulate. ***

***See about page for more details.

 

 

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Top 5 Reasons I Might Swipe Left

***Note: Due to the constant urging of one of my coworkers, I joined last week. The results have been nothing short of hilarious. 

1- Shirtless selfie. While I am the last person to throw the washboard abs out with the bathwater, this just does not bode well for emotional stability. Is that all you have to offer?

2- No bio or misuse of your/you’re in said bio. Ain’t nobody got time for that. 

3- Mutual friends. Sorry, you seem normal but our friends don’t need to know I’m on Tinder. Can’t swipe left fast enough.

4- You say you miss me after less than 24 hours of saying hello. Then proceed with a series of messages asking if I’m okay and will call you (after of course sending your phone number to no response). This actually happened. ***For those of you who know how it works, yes I swiped right on this seemingly cool guy…then had to immediately block him.

5- Kids, guns, lifeless animals, goatees, modeling shots, car photos, gym pics, and a laundry list of other no-nos. Once matched, calling me sweetie, babe, hottie, honey, sexy (barf), and beautiful will all get you disqualified immediately. 

*Honorable Mention*
I’m just in the mood. Nothing worse than swiping too fast and realizing you can’t go back. Oh well, another one bites the dust…

 

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