Monthly Archives: May 2013

Top 5 Ways To Keep Yourself In Check

1- Have someone take a video of you after your third or fourth shot of tequila. Not as cute as you thought, huh?

2- Hang out with children under the age of 5. Like it or not, these little monsters know how to keep it real—and have no problem pointing out those few extra pounds.

3- Take public transportation/fly coach when possible. Life isn’t all about fancy pillows and reclining seats, you know.

4- Make an effort to spend time with your extended family. It does a body good to see the crazy  you might pass on to unborn children!

5- Post an Instagram photo [of yourself] WITHOUT any filters. #nofilter #donttakemylofi

Top 5 Things I Complain About

1- The constant need for my electronics to be charged. Needy much?!?!

2- The remarkable ability for the ONE item I need to somehow disappear in my closet. WHERE IS THAT BLACK TANK?

3- The lack of air conditioners in New York City. This southern girl likes to live life at a cool 70 degrees (when inside, of course).

4- Bad manicures. If I wanted it to look like a 5-year-old painted my nails, I would do it myself.

5- The opinionated uninformed. Just STFU already, mmk?

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Top 5 Things You Learn In Traffic

1- That there is a fine line between being an opportunist and having a death wish.

2- That motorists in [any other state than your own] just DON’T know how to drive.

3- That the right music can prevent a total mind meltdown. Thanks, MJ.

4- That children and traffic jams do not mix. WHERE IS THAT DAMN SIPPY CUP?!

5- That “shooting a bird” isn’t just for mischievous 8-year-old boys on the playground. Grownups can play that game too, son!

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Top 5 Things I Can’t Wait To Say

1- Which looks better with this outfit? The Louboutin or the Jimmy Choo?

2- So glad have to have you in New York, feel free to put your things in the guest bedroom.

3- How in the world did you manage to find a diamond that size?!

4- I just LOVE spin class! It really wakes me up in the morning!

5- …and that’s how I made my first million.

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Top 5 Reasons You Shouldn’t Delete Your Facebook Account

1- You know when your ex-boyfriends get engaged, get married, or best of all, get fat.

2- You skip the massive email chains of family photos…one click and you’re done. Phew.

3- It’s not as intimate and/or creepy as texting.

4- When your best friend acts up, you can quickly access those embarrassing photos from freshman year. Blackmail betch.

5- You can stalk your new crush…and make sure you’ve never had inappropriate relations with any “mutual” friends.

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Top 5 Moments Everyone Should Experience

1- Graduation day. Whether your school has cap and gowns, white summer dresses, or those happy wizard costumes worn by PhDs…enjoy it. Revel in it. Drown yourself in champagne…then wake up and get to work, son.

2- Morning bliss. That moment when you wake up before your someone, look at them as they sleep, and swear to yourself that you’ve never seen anything more beautiful.

3- Physical domination. You ran the ENTIRE 10k? You volunteered and roofed a freaking HOUSE? Whatever it is, everyone deserves an endorphin-filled/glorious moment of sweaty sovereignty.

4- Ego karma. You know the scene…you accidentally let your humility slide and say something that the real you would NEVER say. Then someone calls you on it—and you both know you deserve it. Consider it a lesson learned [and a free pass to check the next toolbag you encounter].

5- Kid giggles. Is there anything more fulfilling than making a wee one laugh uncontrollably? Nope! It’s instant therapy and you get to bust out your old cookie monster impression. Win-Win, I say.

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Top 5 Things That Blow My Mind

1- Compasses. Both because they have the capability to navigate ships across the seven seas and because there are people who actually know how to use them.

2- Fax machines. So retro, yet still mystifying.

3- Jon Hamm. Whatta man, whatta man, whatta man, whatta mighty good man… SALT N PEPA to the max.

4- Grown-ass adults who can’t parallel park. It’s a life skill, learn it.

5- People who work in bakeries and don’t weigh 500 lbs. I would never last.

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Top 5 Things I Know To Be True

1- Traveling to another country will change your life. Whether you learn how to speak a second language, visit ancient ruins, or discover a banging recipe for sangria…you will come home a better person. Now go forth and prosper!

2- You will never regret looking nice. Ne-v-er. So shine those shoes, go to the cleaners, and put your best foot forward—You’re decorating the world, after all!

3- You’re only as good as your last conversation. Treat people with respect and appreciate every exchange…one day, these words may be be your last!

4- Friendships require upkeep, so invest in those you want to keep around…and don’t forget the bubbly.

5- Love is weird…and rarely unconditional. So appreciate what you’ve got and work hard to keep it, ya hear?

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Top 5 Things That Make Me Roll My Eyes

1- When people spell normal names in stupid ways (e.g. Ashleigh, Meaghan, Madelyn, etc). All I can think of is Honey Boo Boo’s mom saying, “My fifth child is gonna be a STAR…I’m gonna name her somethin’  DIFF’RENT.”

2- When anyone begins a sentence with, “I’m the kind of person that…”

3- When a healthy young man rushes for a seat on the subway. God forbid you let the girl in 6 inch heels take a seat.

4- Almost any selfie. We all know you took at least 15 photos and spent a 1/2 hour choosing the shot/filter.

5- When restaurants won’t sit you until your entire party arrives. Um I’m sorry, that one other guest is not going to require you to rearrange the tables…so can I please just sit down?