Tag Archives: eating

Top 5 Commuters Who Should Just Disappear

1- The a-hole who sits spread eagle with his (already large) frame. Usually seen taking up 3/4 of the only available bench. Go you-know-what yourself dude.

2- The panicky rico suave who freaks if someone steps on his precious shoes. If they were that nice, you wouldn’t be on the train…mmmk?

3- Anyone who eats anything remotely resembling food. It’s like watching someone eat in the bathroom…Heebiejeebies.

4- The Metrocard fumbler…I don’t care if you have to duck under the turnstile, when that train is coming you better MOVE son!

5- The perv. There’s one on every train and it never gets less awkward or creepy. Blegh!

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Top 5 Looks I Can’t Help But Give

1- The “I know you are not about to eat off my plate” stare.

2- The ever-so-slight “I don’t believe a word out of your mouth” smile.

3- The “You did NOT just say that to my friend” glare.

4- The “So you work out twice a day and speak three languages?” ogle.

5- The “It’s too early and you’re way too loud” scowl.

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Top 5 Signs You Should Chill The F Out

1- You choose cubed ice rather than crushed because it takes less time…even though you prefer crushed.

2- You have given up and replaced milk with coffee when having your morning cereal…because it just seems more efficient.

3- You put your emergency blinkers on and drive like a convict when traffic pisses you off…and have been known to pull this move en route to the grocery store.

4- You get violently angry when people attempt to read to you aloud. 

5- You feel the need to label where the forks, knives, and spoons go in the kitchen drawer…because, ya know, we couldn’t figure that one out ourselves.

 

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Top 5 Things I Would Do In An Alternate Universe

1- Throw my shoe at annoying people at the gym…while running on the treadmill.

2- Flip the plate of anyone who chews with their mouth open. They deserve to have a lapful of lo mein, onlookers be damned.

3- Yell at children to STFU when I’m trying to talk to their parents.

4- Defriend anyone who has ever left me a voicemail.

5- Tell people who constantly talk about how #blessed they are that, in fact, this statement often comes off as superior and condescending.

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Top 5 Reasons I Love America

1- In my opinion, we have the best patriotic music in the world…and hearing these tunes never fails to take me back to middle school chorus.

2- Without leaving the country, you can visit the desert, mountains, beaches, swamps, glaciers, and Vegas.

3- Free refills and unlimited ice at almost every restaurant.

4- The country was created by men and women who refused to be told what to do…and that’s definitely badass.

5- Channing Tatum.

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Top 5 Times I Don’t Play

1- If you cut me in line. Guess what? I didn’t stand here for 30 min to save your place…now git.

2- When threatened. Go ‘head with your bad self. I don’t like to fight…but I’m not afraid to bleed.

3- When my song/show is playing. Silence, I tell you! Silence!

4- On a road trip. You get one stop per every four hours…use it wisely.

5- When my food arrives. Don’t even think about touching it unless you have something desirable to offer in return (but in that case…taste away!).

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Top 5 Things That Unsettle Me

1- Foreign pronunciation. Do you pronounce the word correctly and risk sounding like a pompous prick? Or do you go with the general pronunciation and risk sounding like an uneducated plebe? I never know what to do!
(common offenders: Cap-ri or Cuhpri, Lou-vre or Louve, VUI-tton or Vatahn)

2- Oxford commas. So apparently, these are not necessary in our modern age…but I still heart them! I’ve tried to switch over but just can’t commit. I love that little guy.

3- Carry-on measurements. Does anyone’s bag actually fit in those little metal boxes? Doubtful. My advice is to walk past swiftly and determined…once you get past security you’re clear! They can make you gate-check but it won’t cost you anything, huzzah!

4- Tipping at semi-self-serve places. So I ordered, picked up my food, and fixed my own drink…but you cleared away the dishes. What is the appropriate protocol here?!

5- Asking for ranch dressing. God knows I love it…but no doubt the server is judging. Also, as sweet as it can be, the southern accent does nothing for the word “ranch.”

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Top 5 People To Be Avoided On Flights

1- The Chatter. Okay sure, being friendly is nice…but do I need to hear about your health issues and every stamp on your passport? No, not really—so respect the headphones, please.

2- The Snorer. This habit is barely, barely, tolerable in someone you love/are married to/have children with/plan on nursing through old age. When it comes from a stranger, all bets are off…and I’ve got sharp elbows.

3- The Eater. Munch, munch, rustle, rustle, slurp, slurp, crunch, crunch…annoyed yet??

4- The Baby. There is nothing like the terror of seeing a small child approach you on a flight. It’s like The Hunger Games…please, please don’t choose me!!!!!

5- The Mover. You know the guy…needs to get something from the overhead baggage, has to stretch his legs, must go to the restroom for the 90183th time. Sure dude…crawl over me again…it’s not awkward at all!!

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Top 5 Things That Are Best In Moderation

1- E! News. It’s always good to be plugged into pop culture…but when you can recite the dating history of the entire Pretty Little Liars cast, you might have a problem.

2- Working out. The more intense a person gets about fitness, the less fun they are to be around. No one wants a friend who spends their life in spandex and cut-off tanks.

3- Drinking. Trust me, your sloppy rendition of Nelly’s “Ride Wit Me” isn’t quite as cute as you think [even though it’s a GREAT song].

4- Tweeting. Never clog up someone’s feed, it’s annoying and unbecoming.

5- Krispy Kreme. Never buy more than two at a time…and GOD FORBID do not buy a dozen if you live alone. Even Gandhi couldn’t exercise that kind of self-control.

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Top 5 Things That Feel Oddly Indulgent

1- Napping in the afternoon on a beautiful, made-up bed…with lots of fancy pillows. It just makes me feel like a fatigued starlet in the 1940s…anyone else?

2- Taking a black car service to the airport. I mean, it may just look like your grandpa’s old Grand Marquis, but something about it can make you feel so luxe!

3- Buying pricey milk and/or paper products. Look who’s not in college anymore!

4- Wearing your boyfriend’s sweater to clean the house. Extra points if it’s cashmere.

5- Saying yes to dessert. At a restaurant. Calories be damned!

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