Tag Archives: funny

Top 5 Reasons I Need To Make It Big

1- I really, really love jewels and gemstones. So much it hurts. With that said—most occupations frown upon, say my new antique rhinestone watch, as everyday attire. Hmph.

2- I don’t like maneuvering with the masses. Under most circumstances, you couldn’t pay me to go to a stadium-filled concert (Dolly excluded, obv)…but I still like to partake in the fun. Private concert at Versailles anyone? 

3- Sometimes, weekly manicures are the only thing that makes the world tolerable. 

4- I want to be able to wear what I want, where I want, at any time I want. In other words, caftans and diamonds all day/err day.

5- I would do really nice things. Charitable things. I’ve already gotten my platforms figured out actually, just in case you’re wondering. 

 

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Top 5 Reasons I Might Jump You In An Elevator

1- You say something about Dolly. She is a goddess and I will not hear otherwise.

2- You spill a cocktail on my new Ferragamos. If you can’t handle your alcohol, keep it away from my couture.

3- You do something to hurt my little brother. In this scenario, you gonna need that bodyguard…and about 12 of his beefy friends.

4- You go off on some right wing rant that muddles religion, ethics, and politics into one indistinguishable puddle of idiocy. Or you like Glenn Beck. Same thing, really.

5- You go after my boo. Another reason I think Bey is a robot who just does what she’s told…RiRi would have had to regulate. ***

***See about page for more details.

 

 

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Top 5 Reasons I Might Swipe Left

***Note: Due to the constant urging of one of my coworkers, I joined last week. The results have been nothing short of hilarious. 

1- Shirtless selfie. While I am the last person to throw the washboard abs out with the bathwater, this just does not bode well for emotional stability. Is that all you have to offer?

2- No bio or misuse of your/you’re in said bio. Ain’t nobody got time for that. 

3- Mutual friends. Sorry, you seem normal but our friends don’t need to know I’m on Tinder. Can’t swipe left fast enough.

4- You say you miss me after less than 24 hours of saying hello. Then proceed with a series of messages asking if I’m okay and will call you (after of course sending your phone number to no response). This actually happened. ***For those of you who know how it works, yes I swiped right on this seemingly cool guy…then had to immediately block him.

5- Kids, guns, lifeless animals, goatees, modeling shots, car photos, gym pics, and a laundry list of other no-nos. Once matched, calling me sweetie, babe, hottie, honey, sexy (barf), and beautiful will all get you disqualified immediately. 

*Honorable Mention*
I’m just in the mood. Nothing worse than swiping too fast and realizing you can’t go back. Oh well, another one bites the dust…

 

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Top 5 F%$@)#G Annoying Things I Did Today

1- Tracked down my W-2s. While freelancing most definitely has its perks, it all comes to a screeching halt around tax time. Fourteen emails and nine W-2s later…yea, you get the picture.

2- Talked to my dental insurer on the phone. Really riveting stuff.

3- Wore fabulous, yet slightly uncomfortable, shoes. I fear this is a lesson I will never learn.

4- Burnt my lunch. Impressive, since the only cooking required was to place it in the oven.

5- Cleaned out my car…aka the place where water bottles and magazines go to die.

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Top 5 Things I’ve Inherited From My Mother

1- Little to no self-control when presented with beautiful things….and the ability to pinpoint the tiniest differences between what I want and already own. So what if I already have 3 pointy-toed black pumps? These have a TEXTURED heel!!

2- A quick wit and sharp sense of humor that keeps the bullies at bay. Word to the wise, don’t start something you can’t finish.***

3- I’m a mean, mean, mean hungry person.

4- Silliness and a playful ease around children. You’re Big Bird and I’m Oscar the Grouch? Cool, just give me a sec to hop into the garbage can.

5- Ridiculously good looks. Kidding. Well, maybe. All I know is a stranger once called me out as her daughter, so there’s definitely a resemblance.

***A gift passed down from my ace of a grandpa.

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Top 5 Reasons I Like 2014

1- I always do better in even-numbered years. While 21 was fun in ’07, I am quite certain it wasn’t my most productive year yet (unless you take into account my ability to keep a 3.0 whilst spending most of my days [booze] cruising the Charleston harbor :/ 🙂 ].

2- I have SEVERAL fun weddings to look forward to…which means reunions, champagne, and fabulous Instagram photos galore. #bringit

3- I know I will go to Europe at least once this year. Makes the whole newly-adopted 40 hours/week thing bearable.

4- I love my living situation. New York, you know I love ya…but damn it feels good to have a washer and dryer.

5- I still have two years before I need to have my sh*% completely together. 

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Top 5 Things I Find Wildly Unattractive

1- Chatty men- When I go on and on about my friends’ personal lives, I better see a hint of mild disinterest on your face.

2- Sneakers with jeans- It just can’t help but look a little…dorky. Nothing a pair of boots or loafers can’t fix.

3- Paying at dinner/movies/concerts/etc- Sure, I’ll go for the reach every time…and I completely agree that it’s unfair that this double standard exists. But exist it does.

4- Polo shirts with an athletic allegiance- Just not for me and I’ll say no more.

5- Swoop haircuts- If it looks anything like your preacher, politician, or 8-year-old self would sport…say hello to the swoop. 

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Top 5 Slippery Slopes of Life

1- Dating your ex. True, this one is kind of obvious…but all too commonplace, nonetheless!! There was a reason it didn’t work. Recycle your paper goods not your bad decisions.

2. Buying yoga pants. Chances are, these will very rarely see a half lotus…and their flexible waistbands will ironically lessen the need for physical fitness. Real pants miss you.

3. French fries. Next step: salt, ketchup, ranch, cheese, bacon bits…just pick your poison.

4. Credit cards. They exist for a reason and it’s most certainly not to make your life easier.

5. Social media. A quick check here and there=great. Instagramming each meal=annoying. See life through your real eyes…not through the feedback of others, yo.

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Top 5 Indicators That We Might Get Along

1- You use your jacket to cover your bag when it rains…and stare in horror at people who use theirs for overhead coverage.

2- You know the difference between Jonathan Jackson and Joshua Jackson.

3- You understand the gist of public transportation and can read a subway map.

4- You like Dolly Parton.

5- You think PDA is the most abominable thing before 11:00 pm…and the most admissible afterwards.

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Top 5 Signs You’re Too Old For This Sh*&

1- One night out means at least two full days of recovery…which means you spend the rest of your weekend with Seamless and Netflix. So not a cute look, girlfriend.

2- You leave bars because they’re too loud and you can’t participate in meaningful conversation…because, ya know, that’s what everyone is looking for on a Saturday night.

3- The thought of taking a Fireball shot makes you want to hurl…EVEN if it’s completely free of charge.

4- You leave happy hour at a reasonable hour so you can take your dog out…and don’t harbor any resentment towards your furry friend.

5- When you see someone living out their rockstar fantasies, you secretly thank your lucky stars that it’s not you. Live and let live!

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