Tag Archives: kids

Top 5 Things I’ve Inherited From My Mother

1- Little to no self-control when presented with beautiful things….and the ability to pinpoint the tiniest differences between what I want and already own. So what if I already have 3 pointy-toed black pumps? These have a TEXTURED heel!!

2- A quick wit and sharp sense of humor that keeps the bullies at bay. Word to the wise, don’t start something you can’t finish.***

3- I’m a mean, mean, mean hungry person.

4- Silliness and a playful ease around children. You’re Big Bird and I’m Oscar the Grouch? Cool, just give me a sec to hop into the garbage can.

5- Ridiculously good looks. Kidding. Well, maybe. All I know is a stranger once called me out as her daughter, so there’s definitely a resemblance.

***A gift passed down from my ace of a grandpa.

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Top 5 Things That Always Seem Suspect

1- The “traffic was terrible/train was delayed/accident on the highway” excuse. Most of us have used this one at some point in our lives…thus no one actually believes it.

2- The sickeningly sweet “do you want to save 10% today?!” request from retailers. Listen sir/madam, I know you don’t care two licks about my savings. What you do care about is meeting your credit card sign-up quota…and frankly, that’s none of my concern.

3- The “unlimited mimosas” trend at local brunch spots. How does this even work?? Does the restaurant not take a beating in profits?? Surely there’s a trick in here somewhere.

4- Any child/teenager that washes your car for no apparent reason. Might wanna go ahead and brace yourself.

5- When a person under the age of 40 goes through and “likes” all of your profile pics. To quote Mariah, why you so obsessed with me?!

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Top 5 People I Don’t Understand

1- Gym rats that fit in an extra session at lunch. While I admire the dedication, what do you do with your hair? How do you have time to shower? Do you not feel gross the rest of the afternoon? How does this work??

2- Shoppers who must buy the outfit as displayed on the mannequin. Where’s the creativity? The personal touch? Aren’t you afraid you’ll run into someone dressed the exact same way as you? The horror!

3- Moviegoers who feel the need to talk during a film. It’s not okay and everyone hates you.

4- Parents who give in to tantrums and expect that to fix the problem. Congratulations, you just won 17 more years of brattiness. Was that extra toy really worth it?

5- Worrywarts who torture themselves with coulda, woulda, shoulda. It’s over. If you can’t change what happened, you might as well accept it and get on with your bad self. Next!

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Top 5 Things I Would Do In An Alternate Universe

1- Throw my shoe at annoying people at the gym…while running on the treadmill.

2- Flip the plate of anyone who chews with their mouth open. They deserve to have a lapful of lo mein, onlookers be damned.

3- Yell at children to STFU when I’m trying to talk to their parents.

4- Defriend anyone who has ever left me a voicemail.

5- Tell people who constantly talk about how #blessed they are that, in fact, this statement often comes off as superior and condescending.

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Top 5 Things I’ve Learned in the Security Line

1- Gladiator sandals are not your friend. Always choose ballet flats or boots when traveling!

2- Children are the enemy. When given the option, always go for the childless line.

3- The **@#&!^ng laptop has to be run through separately. People ignoring this rule can double your wait time…so if you spot someone making this rookie mistake, always say something.

4- The ubiquitous pat down is part of life. Just hold your head high and own it.

5- Always make sure you grabbed your hat and identification! Learned this the hard way.

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Top 5 Things I Want To Yell At People

1- MOVE!! Generally towards large crowds of tourists, children on scooters, and cell phone zombies.

2- STFU!! Not sure why, but I can’t stand to hear about the personal lives of strangers while they’re on the phone. Maybe because I can’t see who they’re talking to? Weird.

3- Make up your damn mind! It’s a lunch order…not the name of your first-born, for Christ’s sake.

4- You so fine!! This one often comes to mind when I see impromptu soccer games/joggers in Central Park.

5- You go girl!! If only it were acceptable to shout encouragement to random citizens for rocking their style, killing it at the gym, or exercising their artistic talents…

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Top 5 People To Be Avoided On Flights

1- The Chatter. Okay sure, being friendly is nice…but do I need to hear about your health issues and every stamp on your passport? No, not really—so respect the headphones, please.

2- The Snorer. This habit is barely, barely, tolerable in someone you love/are married to/have children with/plan on nursing through old age. When it comes from a stranger, all bets are off…and I’ve got sharp elbows.

3- The Eater. Munch, munch, rustle, rustle, slurp, slurp, crunch, crunch…annoyed yet??

4- The Baby. There is nothing like the terror of seeing a small child approach you on a flight. It’s like The Hunger Games…please, please don’t choose me!!!!!

5- The Mover. You know the guy…needs to get something from the overhead baggage, has to stretch his legs, must go to the restroom for the 90183th time. Sure dude…crawl over me again…it’s not awkward at all!!

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Top 5 Reasons To Avoid The Mall

1- Abercrombie and Fitch. The noise, the nauseating perfume, the crowd of tweens and/or toolbags…best if left to their own devices.

2- Parking is a pain in the ass. Without a doubt, someone will try to steal your spot, knock a door into your shiny new whip, or take forrreeevvverrr to get into their *&@*#&@ car.

3- Books-A-Million is a time vortex and will steal hours from your life…a fact you won’t realize until you’ve missed your dentist appointment, forgotten the kids at school, and forgone your dinner plans.

4- Chinese Food. That shiz is SO not organic…but you know you’ll order it. Who has the wherewithal to avoid those delicious little samples?! Not me, I say.

5- The lycra. It’s everywhere…on the bodies of fellow shoppers, for sale in the department stores, and cloaking the (generally uninterested) salespeople. Avoid, avoid, avoid.

 

 

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Top 5 Things You Learn In Traffic

1- That there is a fine line between being an opportunist and having a death wish.

2- That motorists in [any other state than your own] just DON’T know how to drive.

3- That the right music can prevent a total mind meltdown. Thanks, MJ.

4- That children and traffic jams do not mix. WHERE IS THAT DAMN SIPPY CUP?!

5- That “shooting a bird” isn’t just for mischievous 8-year-old boys on the playground. Grownups can play that game too, son!

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Top 5 Moments Everyone Should Experience

1- Graduation day. Whether your school has cap and gowns, white summer dresses, or those happy wizard costumes worn by PhDs…enjoy it. Revel in it. Drown yourself in champagne…then wake up and get to work, son.

2- Morning bliss. That moment when you wake up before your someone, look at them as they sleep, and swear to yourself that you’ve never seen anything more beautiful.

3- Physical domination. You ran the ENTIRE 10k? You volunteered and roofed a freaking HOUSE? Whatever it is, everyone deserves an endorphin-filled/glorious moment of sweaty sovereignty.

4- Ego karma. You know the scene…you accidentally let your humility slide and say something that the real you would NEVER say. Then someone calls you on it—and you both know you deserve it. Consider it a lesson learned [and a free pass to check the next toolbag you encounter].

5- Kid giggles. Is there anything more fulfilling than making a wee one laugh uncontrollably? Nope! It’s instant therapy and you get to bust out your old cookie monster impression. Win-Win, I say.

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