Tag Archives: flying

Top 5 Things You Should Just Forget About

1- Getting a decent parking spot on any college campus. In related news, don’t even try to park illegally…fifty bucks says there is a parking services agent hiding in the bushes. 

2- Wearing your hair down in this heat. Don’t lie girl, you know that ‘do is gonna be in a topknot before you even make it to the subway.

3- Waking up early to work out on the weekend. I’ve told myself this was going to happen, oh, a few THOUSAND times in my life…and I’ve never done it once.

4- Acting funny, witty, smooth, or refined when needed. Sorry player, this is going to be the EXACT moment you knock over your glass and/or get a piece of basil stuck in your teeth.

5- Choosing the “right” line in security. It’s always a gamble…and I inevitably get stuck behind the newb who forgets to take out his laptop…way to hold up the entire.freaking.line. dude…

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Top 5 Things That Unsettle Me

1- Foreign pronunciation. Do you pronounce the word correctly and risk sounding like a pompous prick? Or do you go with the general pronunciation and risk sounding like an uneducated plebe? I never know what to do!
(common offenders: Cap-ri or Cuhpri, Lou-vre or Louve, VUI-tton or Vatahn)

2- Oxford commas. So apparently, these are not necessary in our modern age…but I still heart them! I’ve tried to switch over but just can’t commit. I love that little guy.

3- Carry-on measurements. Does anyone’s bag actually fit in those little metal boxes? Doubtful. My advice is to walk past swiftly and determined…once you get past security you’re clear! They can make you gate-check but it won’t cost you anything, huzzah!

4- Tipping at semi-self-serve places. So I ordered, picked up my food, and fixed my own drink…but you cleared away the dishes. What is the appropriate protocol here?!

5- Asking for ranch dressing. God knows I love it…but no doubt the server is judging. Also, as sweet as it can be, the southern accent does nothing for the word “ranch.”

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Top 5 People To Be Avoided On Flights

1- The Chatter. Okay sure, being friendly is nice…but do I need to hear about your health issues and every stamp on your passport? No, not really—so respect the headphones, please.

2- The Snorer. This habit is barely, barely, tolerable in someone you love/are married to/have children with/plan on nursing through old age. When it comes from a stranger, all bets are off…and I’ve got sharp elbows.

3- The Eater. Munch, munch, rustle, rustle, slurp, slurp, crunch, crunch…annoyed yet??

4- The Baby. There is nothing like the terror of seeing a small child approach you on a flight. It’s like The Hunger Games…please, please don’t choose me!!!!!

5- The Mover. You know the guy…needs to get something from the overhead baggage, has to stretch his legs, must go to the restroom for the 90183th time. Sure dude…crawl over me again…it’s not awkward at all!!

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Top 5 Moments Worth The Jail Time

1- Making a U-turn to avoid driving 982348723 miles until the next stoplight.

2- Illegally parking to run to the bank/post office/mailbox for .2 seconds.

3- Standing up for yourself when confronted by a bully. Go ‘head with your bad self.

4- Doing whatever necessary to make your obnoxious seat mate stop snoring. Hey, can I borrow that tissue paper pillow for a sec?

5- Any vehicular damage caused by someone trying to steal your parking spot. I plead not guilty.

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Top 5 Things I Didn’t Know About Flying First Class

(…because if they told us, we “minions” would most likely revolt.)

***This post is written as I sit in a Glasgow, Scotland hotel, mere hours after my first experience in first class.

1- Free booze. Say whaaa?! Yep, you got it. All the wine, champagne, and cocktails your little heart desires. Drinks cost you NOTHING and they are refilled before you even notice you’re running low.

2- The food is actually edible. Like, really edible….I’m talking ice cream sundaes and cheese plates, people. Considering how normal airplane food almost always causes me to dry heave into my neighbor’s seat, this is an unbelievable improvement (my neighbor says so, too).

3- YOUR FREAKING SEATS LAY ALL THE WAY DOWN. Holy crap! Frankly, I don’t see how normal-sized people even fly coach. I’m 5’2 and am always cramped for space (especially when the a-hole in front of me decides to recline his seat in my lap). However, in first class, you have a bevy of reclining options. Feet up but back straight? You got it. Feet up and back relaxed for your TV viewing pleasure? No prob. All the way down so you can survive an 8 hour flight and NOT exit the plane looking like an extra from The Walking Dead? But of course!

4- You get human-sized amenities. Peace out Tiny-BabyJesus-Pillow, good riddance you poor excuse for a fleece blanket (a fabric I hate even its most luxurious form)…and hellooo quilted down blanket and fluffy queen-sized head cushion. So nice of you to (finally) grace me with your presence.

5- You get major swag. Like, oh you know, an entire kit of PHILOSOPHY products! Chap stick, hand lotion, facial wipes, eye masks, tissues, toothpaste, toothbrushes, headphones, earplugs, SOCKS, hand sanitizer…all presented in a cute little carrying case! Although–and this is very important–if you don’t want to look like a total newb, you must resist the urge to tastelessly rip into your new acquisitions.

That can wait until everyone is sleeping with their fancy blankets, grownup pillow, and kicked-up feet…or at least until they’re on their fourth glass of (complimentary) vino.

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