Tag Archives: parking

Top 5 Things You Should Just Forget About

1- Getting a decent parking spot on any college campus. In related news, don’t even try to park illegally…fifty bucks says there is a parking services agent hiding in the bushes. 

2- Wearing your hair down in this heat. Don’t lie girl, you know that ‘do is gonna be in a topknot before you even make it to the subway.

3- Waking up early to work out on the weekend. I’ve told myself this was going to happen, oh, a few THOUSAND times in my life…and I’ve never done it once.

4- Acting funny, witty, smooth, or refined when needed. Sorry player, this is going to be the EXACT moment you knock over your glass and/or get a piece of basil stuck in your teeth.

5- Choosing the “right” line in security. It’s always a gamble…and I inevitably get stuck behind the newb who forgets to take out his laptop…way to hold up the entire.freaking.line. dude…

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Top 5 Ways To Freak Out Your Neighbor

1- Mow the lawn in a santa suit…in the middle of July.

2- Label a spot in your driveway “Client Parking – 1 Hour Max.”

3- Put a life-size cut-out of the Backstreet Boys in your bedroom window.

4- Invite them to the opening of your in-home dog rescue/daycare center.

5- Knock on their door just to ask if they had a nice day.

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Top 5 Reasons To Avoid The Mall

1- Abercrombie and Fitch. The noise, the nauseating perfume, the crowd of tweens and/or toolbags…best if left to their own devices.

2- Parking is a pain in the ass. Without a doubt, someone will try to steal your spot, knock a door into your shiny new whip, or take forrreeevvverrr to get into their *&@*#&@ car.

3- Books-A-Million is a time vortex and will steal hours from your life…a fact you won’t realize until you’ve missed your dentist appointment, forgotten the kids at school, and forgone your dinner plans.

4- Chinese Food. That shiz is SO not organic…but you know you’ll order it. Who has the wherewithal to avoid those delicious little samples?! Not me, I say.

5- The lycra. It’s everywhere…on the bodies of fellow shoppers, for sale in the department stores, and cloaking the (generally uninterested) salespeople. Avoid, avoid, avoid.

 

 

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Top 5 Moments Worth The Jail Time

1- Making a U-turn to avoid driving 982348723 miles until the next stoplight.

2- Illegally parking to run to the bank/post office/mailbox for .2 seconds.

3- Standing up for yourself when confronted by a bully. Go ‘head with your bad self.

4- Doing whatever necessary to make your obnoxious seat mate stop snoring. Hey, can I borrow that tissue paper pillow for a sec?

5- Any vehicular damage caused by someone trying to steal your parking spot. I plead not guilty.

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Top 5 Things That Blow My Mind

1- Compasses. Both because they have the capability to navigate ships across the seven seas and because there are people who actually know how to use them.

2- Fax machines. So retro, yet still mystifying.

3- Jon Hamm. Whatta man, whatta man, whatta man, whatta mighty good man… SALT N PEPA to the max.

4- Grown-ass adults who can’t parallel park. It’s a life skill, learn it.

5- People who work in bakeries and don’t weigh 500 lbs. I would never last.

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Top 5 Places That Drive Me Loco

1- Home Depot- Talk about stress. It’s massive, it always takes forever, and I don’t know how anything in there works. As for me, I’ll just linger around the paint samples until it’s time to go.

2- Michael’s- I know I shouldn’t, but I judge.

3- Herald Square- The only miracle that occurs on 34th street is when you get to leave.

4- Parking Garages- To me, they’re reminiscent of a cow getting corralled into a stall…with the added thrill of a potential kidnapping.

5- Pet Smart- Because I want a puppy! And I can’t have one. Suddenly, I’m 8 years old again…

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