Tag Archives: children

Top 5 People I Don’t Understand

1- Gym rats that fit in an extra session at lunch. While I admire the dedication, what do you do with your hair? How do you have time to shower? Do you not feel gross the rest of the afternoon? How does this work??

2- Shoppers who must buy the outfit as displayed on the mannequin. Where’s the creativity? The personal touch? Aren’t you afraid you’ll run into someone dressed the exact same way as you? The horror!

3- Moviegoers who feel the need to talk during a film. It’s not okay and everyone hates you.

4- Parents who give in to tantrums and expect that to fix the problem. Congratulations, you just won 17 more years of brattiness. Was that extra toy really worth it?

5- Worrywarts who torture themselves with coulda, woulda, shoulda. It’s over. If you can’t change what happened, you might as well accept it and get on with your bad self. Next!

Advertisements
Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Top 5 Things I Would Do In An Alternate Universe

1- Throw my shoe at annoying people at the gym…while running on the treadmill.

2- Flip the plate of anyone who chews with their mouth open. They deserve to have a lapful of lo mein, onlookers be damned.

3- Yell at children to STFU when I’m trying to talk to their parents.

4- Defriend anyone who has ever left me a voicemail.

5- Tell people who constantly talk about how #blessed they are that, in fact, this statement often comes off as superior and condescending.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Top 5 Things I’ve Learned in the Security Line

1- Gladiator sandals are not your friend. Always choose ballet flats or boots when traveling!

2- Children are the enemy. When given the option, always go for the childless line.

3- The **@#&!^ng laptop has to be run through separately. People ignoring this rule can double your wait time…so if you spot someone making this rookie mistake, always say something.

4- The ubiquitous pat down is part of life. Just hold your head high and own it.

5- Always make sure you grabbed your hat and identification! Learned this the hard way.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Top 5 Things I Want To Yell At People

1- MOVE!! Generally towards large crowds of tourists, children on scooters, and cell phone zombies.

2- STFU!! Not sure why, but I can’t stand to hear about the personal lives of strangers while they’re on the phone. Maybe because I can’t see who they’re talking to? Weird.

3- Make up your damn mind! It’s a lunch order…not the name of your first-born, for Christ’s sake.

4- You so fine!! This one often comes to mind when I see impromptu soccer games/joggers in Central Park.

5- You go girl!! If only it were acceptable to shout encouragement to random citizens for rocking their style, killing it at the gym, or exercising their artistic talents…

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Top 5 Things I Just Can’t Accept

1- That my friends are actually starting to have children ON PURPOSE. When did this start happening?!?!

2- That in Manhattan it costs $23.00 for a mani/pedi and $8.00 for a box of cereal. Clearly, there is something wrong with this picture.

3- That white shoes are “in”—nope, nope, nope. I shall not agree to this nonsense.

4- That Gwyneth Paltrow is the “World’s Most Beautiful Woman”…sorry I’m not sorry, G-Pal. 

5- That all the good ones are taken. Surely there is a male version of myself out there…minus the clumsiness and inability to follow directions. ***must also carry luggage.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Top 5 Moments I’m A Cliché

1- When I see a grown man gently playing with a baby/toddler. Heart melted.

2- When I’m in NYC and the train is late. *@#^!@*!@*#&*@!@&(*!@#!@#!!!!

3- When I’m back home and drink my weight in sweet tea. Thanks, Granny!

4- When I have a few cocktails and decide to text message an ex-lovah. Boredom and booze do not mix, ya’ll!

5- When I have nothing to wear…in a closet that could have individual rooms for shoes, accessories, tops, dresses, costume apparel, you name it. Yet still, absolutely nothing to wear.

 

 

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Top 5 Things You Can Learn From Children

1- Mine is mine and yours and yours…unless I want it.

2- Life is more fun without shoes and pants.

3- Water is one of the purest forms of entertainment. And nothing is funnier than a soaked babysitter, mommy, or dog.

4- If you don’t understand, ask. Even if the public questioning humiliates your in-the-know counterparts…it’s their fault for keeping secrets.

5- Feeling bullied? Throw a snarky comment the aggressor’s way and go about your business…stops ’em every time. But make sure your comment is actually funny.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Top 5 Things Adults Don’t Do

1- Go to Panama City, Myrtle Beach, or Daytona Beach for Spring Break. Let the kids have this one, ya’ll.

2- Proudly display Hollister, American Eagle, Abercrombie & Fitch, or Aeropostale across their chests. If you’re over 18, you look like an ass.

3- Take the cheesiest slice, the corner piece of cake, or the last cookie when there is a child who hopes and dreams you may kill with these simple actions.

4- Make negative comments about their job on social media sites…or talk about it too much in general. The only people who care are the ones that might fire you.

5- Sacrifice the well-being of pets, children, employment, and/or family for more sleep. Consider rest your evolutionary survival tax!

(Welcome back from break, everyone! xoxo)

 

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Top 5 Reasons To Love Mondays

1- It means you survived the weekend.

2- Hearing about your odd coworker’s wild Saturday excursion to the (insert random object) collector’s exhibition always offers a smidge of mild entertainment.

3- You have the opportunity to set yourself apart and NOT be a total grump at the water cooler.

4- Parents get to send their kids back to school.

5- Once started, it will soon be over…and you won’t have to do it again for another week!

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,