Tag Archives: truth

Top 5 Signs You’re Too Old For This Sh*&

1- One night out means at least two full days of recovery…which means you spend the rest of your weekend with Seamless and Netflix. So not a cute look, girlfriend.

2- You leave bars because they’re too loud and you can’t participate in meaningful conversation…because, ya know, that’s what everyone is looking for on a Saturday night.

3- The thought of taking a Fireball shot makes you want to hurl…EVEN if it’s completely free of charge.

4- You leave happy hour at a reasonable hour so you can take your dog out…and don’t harbor any resentment towards your furry friend.

5- When you see someone living out their rockstar fantasies, you secretly thank your lucky stars that it’s not you. Live and let live!

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Top 5 Things I Hope You Know

1- That “alot” is not a word. Never has been. We had a lot of fun at the birthday bash…see what I did there? It’s called a space bar.

2- That you stand on the right side of the escalator (and allow people to walk past you on the left). Passports should be revoked for breaking this international rule of conduct.

3- That prescriptions are what you take to over-medicate yourself for ADD, OCD, or whatever the latest condition is to hit the market. Subscriptions are for magazines. 

4- That reading something does not make it true. Investigate so you don’t look like a dumbass. ***Particularly useful when relating to Facebook “Shares” (hint: check out snopes.com).

5- That food matters…so try everyday to make good choices! Don’t turn your temple into a trash dump.

 

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Top 5 Reasons I Don’t Cook

1- I can buy my own charcoal.

2- Grocery shopping is the.most.boring.thing.ever…they shouldn’t even be allowed to call it “shopping.”

3- It’s like sewing {and a few other things}. If people find out you’re good at it, they’ll never leave you alone.

4- I’m terrified of salmonella.

5- I don’t like to be told what to do. That means you Rachel Ray, Martha Stewart, and Paula Deen!!!

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Top 5 Ways I Know I’m Not 22 Anymore

1- It’s Saturday night and I’m within 200 feet of a computer.

2- I refer to men I like/date by their actual name…ya know, instead of “quicksilver store guy,” “the scotsman,” or most embarrassingly, “ace with the tattoos.”

3- At this very moment, I have no inexplicable body injuries–no weird waffle shaped bruises, no twisted ankles…and no skinned knees, mom!

4- I spend more money on food than drinks. When did this start happening?!

5- I wake up before noon on weekends…EVEN WHEN I DON’T HAVE TO!!! Can’t say I ever saw this one coming, folks.

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Top 5 Reasons I Don’t Have A Dog

1- If I wanted to be licked in the face, I would still be dating my high school boyfriend.

2- The only thing I’m willing to wake up for at 6:30 am is a flight.

3- Shocking as it sounds, I don’t like to pick up poop.

4- They can’t go for more than a few HOURS without being attended to? Needy much?!

5- If I’m broke, they still need food. However, so do I. See the problem here?

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Top 5 Phrases I Loathe To Hear

1- “Well, actually”—Who’s with me? Generally speaking, these two little words are the most condescending beginning to any sentence ever uttered. And more often than not, the speaker just didn’t get your sarcasm in the sentence prior to this little verbal slap.

2- “Hand me/ Give me/ Get me”—If I wanted to take commands, I would’ve joined the military. However, pepper in a few “would you’s” or “could you’s” and I’m all ears.

3- “They …. (fill in the blank)”—In this instance, “they” refers to any religious choice, ethnic group or frankly, any mass grouping of INDIVIDUALS. If you do this, please stop…it’s incredibly offensive.

4- “First World Problems”—Can’t we think of a better phrase for this sentiment? While I do believe that we do need to put our privileged “problems” in check (broken Keurig, lost wifi password, etc), I always get a dirty feeling when hearing this statement. Too many people seem to say it in a cocky and pretentious, “Oh I’m so lucky” way…and that is so not cute.

5- “You have to be a realist”—This one is courtesy of my mother. Ya know what, maybe I want to have two jobs in high school, travel the world, meet a prince (no lie, totes happened)…and live off of ramen and good times. Insurance is overrated, anyways 😉

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Top 5 Reasons To Take Public Transportation

1- You don’t have to stand in the cold and pump your own gas. Or, God forbid, walk inside to pay because you found the one station in your county without a credit card machine.

2- You make friends who will sometimes share their snacks. While the most common offer comes as a preemptive strike in the form of minty freshness, every now and then you get leftover Halloween candy or…even better…birthday cupcakes!

3- You can use it as an excuse to not answer your phone. Boo-yah!!

4- You have the power to save money, help the environment, and SLEEP all the way to work! Full on superhero status before 8:00 am.

5- You really feel like part of the absurd merry-go-round we call life…which can be oddly refreshing after eight hours in a stuffy and well-mannered office. Confused by what I’m saying? Go to Penn Station around 5:00 and report back to us.

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Top 5 Tips For Living Out of a Suitcase

1- Layer. No, really. I could not COUNT the times I have left my beautiful, warm, and southern hometown decked out in a peacoat, scarf, and warm boots. You may look like the Michelin Man, but the fact of the matter is that winter clothes take up the most space…so layer it on and tell the carry-on scale to stick it where the sun don’t shine.

2- Just say no to nostalgia. When I first started traveling, I would keep every pamphlet, train ticket, theatre program, receipt…you name it. Then I realized, AIN’T NOBODY GOT ROOM FOR DAT. It eventually turns into clutter, it stresses you out, and well, most of us just aren’t the scrapbooking type (Thank God).

3- 4-Wheel Luggage. Holy sweet mother of all that is just. This will change your life. The difference between hauling the traditional 2-wheels and its 4-wheel counterpart is the difference between, say, planking throughout the entirety of Gone with the Wind…or watching comfortably from your king size bed.

4- Perfume. One thing that is far and few between in travel, is the taken-for-granted luxury of laundry service. Solution? Spray and (not actually) Wash! Sounds gross, but a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.

5- Shoes and books are your greatest enemy.  They will try to lure you with their beauty, quality, and all around vintage-ness…but the pull is pure evil and should be resisted! These SOBs are heavy and will break your back…not to mention your bank account when you incur a few overweight fees. Eventually, you’ll just end up throwing them away in the airport trash bins to save your last 40 bucks.

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