Tag Archives: traffic

Top 5 Things That Always Seem Suspect

1- The “traffic was terrible/train was delayed/accident on the highway” excuse. Most of us have used this one at some point in our lives…thus no one actually believes it.

2- The sickeningly sweet “do you want to save 10% today?!” request from retailers. Listen sir/madam, I know you don’t care two licks about my savings. What you do care about is meeting your credit card sign-up quota…and frankly, that’s none of my concern.

3- The “unlimited mimosas” trend at local brunch spots. How does this even work?? Does the restaurant not take a beating in profits?? Surely there’s a trick in here somewhere.

4- Any child/teenager that washes your car for no apparent reason. Might wanna go ahead and brace yourself.

5- When a person under the age of 40 goes through and “likes” all of your profile pics. To quote Mariah, why you so obsessed with me?!

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Top 5 Things I’ve Learned in the Security Line

1- Gladiator sandals are not your friend. Always choose ballet flats or boots when traveling!

2- Children are the enemy. When given the option, always go for the childless line.

3- The **@#&!^ng laptop has to be run through separately. People ignoring this rule can double your wait time…so if you spot someone making this rookie mistake, always say something.

4- The ubiquitous pat down is part of life. Just hold your head high and own it.

5- Always make sure you grabbed your hat and identification! Learned this the hard way.

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Top 5 Things You Learn In Traffic

1- That there is a fine line between being an opportunist and having a death wish.

2- That motorists in [any other state than your own] just DON’T know how to drive.

3- That the right music can prevent a total mind meltdown. Thanks, MJ.

4- That children and traffic jams do not mix. WHERE IS THAT DAMN SIPPY CUP?!

5- That “shooting a bird” isn’t just for mischievous 8-year-old boys on the playground. Grownups can play that game too, son!

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Top 5 Ways I Say I Love You

1- I watch any sporting event for more than 15 minutes…and don’t complain about it.

2- I pick you up at the airport…and brave the godawful Newark, NJ traffic.

3- I cheerfully tolerate your dog licking/jumping on me….and don’t show that I’m dying inside.

4- I go camping/rock climbing/mountain biking…even though I would rather be watching a play in a pleasantly climate-controlled room. 

5- I attempt to cook ANYTHING…even though following recipes makes me angry. I hate being told what to do.

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