Tag Archives: texting

Top 5 Reasons I Might Swipe Left

***Note: Due to the constant urging of one of my coworkers, I joined last week. The results have been nothing short of hilarious. 

1- Shirtless selfie. While I am the last person to throw the washboard abs out with the bathwater, this just does not bode well for emotional stability. Is that all you have to offer?

2- No bio or misuse of your/you’re in said bio. Ain’t nobody got time for that. 

3- Mutual friends. Sorry, you seem normal but our friends don’t need to know I’m on Tinder. Can’t swipe left fast enough.

4- You say you miss me after less than 24 hours of saying hello. Then proceed with a series of messages asking if I’m okay and will call you (after of course sending your phone number to no response). This actually happened. ***For those of you who know how it works, yes I swiped right on this seemingly cool guy…then had to immediately block him.

5- Kids, guns, lifeless animals, goatees, modeling shots, car photos, gym pics, and a laundry list of other no-nos. Once matched, calling me sweetie, babe, hottie, honey, sexy (barf), and beautiful will all get you disqualified immediately. 

*Honorable Mention*
I’m just in the mood. Nothing worse than swiping too fast and realizing you can’t go back. Oh well, another one bites the dust…

 

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Top 5 Signs You’ve Really Got It Together

1- You know the exact date of your automatic drafts…and plan accordingly.

2- You can’t remember the last time you sent an inappropriate or unsolicited text.

3- Clean sheets. Every Single Week.

4- You send out birthday cards (on time). 

5-  You manage to go to the gym AND make a home cooked meal ALL IN ONE DAY. BOOM.

 

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Top 5 Things That Secretly Annoy Me…Until Now

1- Complaints about the amount of advertising in fashion magazines. Um hello, that’s the best part!! It’s the quickest/easiest way to pinpoint new aesthetics for the season and, quite honestly, is just really pretty!

2- When people proudly espouse opinions that are held by the general public. Yes, if you go in Wal-Mart you will most likely encounter interesting sides of humanity…and the root ingredients used by Taco Bell are probably found in tire rubber and petrol. Tell me something I don’t know. 

3- Recipes. Just another form of being told what to do.

4- Group texts. As most of you probably know, I’m not a phone person…and every time that dadblamed notification goes off it stresses me out. Plus, there’s always that one person who doesn’t know when to let it go.

5- Men who always let their wives dress them, no questions asked. First of all, get some opinions and a backbone. Secondly, leave the mothering to your mother.

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Top 5 Reasons You Shouldn’t Delete Your Facebook Account

1- You know when your ex-boyfriends get engaged, get married, or best of all, get fat.

2- You skip the massive email chains of family photos…one click and you’re done. Phew.

3- It’s not as intimate and/or creepy as texting.

4- When your best friend acts up, you can quickly access those embarrassing photos from freshman year. Blackmail betch.

5- You can stalk your new crush…and make sure you’ve never had inappropriate relations with any “mutual” friends.

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Top 5 Habits I Need To Break

1- Taking my phone to bed with me. Forty-three pins later and I’m still awake.

2- Responding to messages at the gym. No, I did not mean to send you a “sticker.”

3- Forgetting to pack socks. I pretty much owe everyone I know at least one pair.

4- Giving anyone my phone number past 11:00 pm. It just results in awkward text avoidance. 

5- Snacking at night. Reality television is garbage enough, I’m sure.

 

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