Tag Archives: shopping

Top 5 Things I’ve Inherited From My Mother

1- Little to no self-control when presented with beautiful things….and the ability to pinpoint the tiniest differences between what I want and already own. So what if I already have 3 pointy-toed black pumps? These have a TEXTURED heel!!

2- A quick wit and sharp sense of humor that keeps the bullies at bay. Word to the wise, don’t start something you can’t finish.***

3- I’m a mean, mean, mean hungry person.

4- Silliness and a playful ease around children. You’re Big Bird and I’m Oscar the Grouch? Cool, just give me a sec to hop into the garbage can.

5- Ridiculously good looks. Kidding. Well, maybe. All I know is a stranger once called me out as her daughter, so there’s definitely a resemblance.

***A gift passed down from my ace of a grandpa.

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Top 5 People I Don’t Understand

1- Gym rats that fit in an extra session at lunch. While I admire the dedication, what do you do with your hair? How do you have time to shower? Do you not feel gross the rest of the afternoon? How does this work??

2- Shoppers who must buy the outfit as displayed on the mannequin. Where’s the creativity? The personal touch? Aren’t you afraid you’ll run into someone dressed the exact same way as you? The horror!

3- Moviegoers who feel the need to talk during a film. It’s not okay and everyone hates you.

4- Parents who give in to tantrums and expect that to fix the problem. Congratulations, you just won 17 more years of brattiness. Was that extra toy really worth it?

5- Worrywarts who torture themselves with coulda, woulda, shoulda. It’s over. If you can’t change what happened, you might as well accept it and get on with your bad self. Next!

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Top 5 Rules of Shopping

1- If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit—No matter the style, the deal, the absolute beauty of the piece…it will not/should not be worn if the cut is unflattering.

2- Know your colors—For me, it’s reds, oranges, and yellows…but never (ever ever) blue! Don’t waste time trying on looks that you know won’t work!

3- Know your shape—You know what I love? Wrap dresses. You know what I never wear? Wrap dresses. Sorry Diane, but your creation is ungodly unflattering on me. I’ll appreciate from afar, thankyouverymuch.

4- Invest in what you need, not what you want—For so many years, I would spend way more money on a super glitzy pair of (uncomfortable) heels or a fabulous cocktail dress…only to wear  them once a year. Now, those funds are allocated to ballet flats, blazers, and nice jeans…and I couldn’t be happier with the decision!

5- Bargains take brains—The cheaper the outfit, the more brains required to make it look good. While anybody can rock a head-to-toe Chanel look, it takes real savviness to keep that clearance bin find chic. Pay attention to fabric, cut, and color and you’ll be fine!!

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Top 5 Reasons To Avoid The Mall

1- Abercrombie and Fitch. The noise, the nauseating perfume, the crowd of tweens and/or toolbags…best if left to their own devices.

2- Parking is a pain in the ass. Without a doubt, someone will try to steal your spot, knock a door into your shiny new whip, or take forrreeevvverrr to get into their *&@*#&@ car.

3- Books-A-Million is a time vortex and will steal hours from your life…a fact you won’t realize until you’ve missed your dentist appointment, forgotten the kids at school, and forgone your dinner plans.

4- Chinese Food. That shiz is SO not organic…but you know you’ll order it. Who has the wherewithal to avoid those delicious little samples?! Not me, I say.

5- The lycra. It’s everywhere…on the bodies of fellow shoppers, for sale in the department stores, and cloaking the (generally uninterested) salespeople. Avoid, avoid, avoid.

 

 

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Top 5 Moments I’m A Cliché

1- When I see a grown man gently playing with a baby/toddler. Heart melted.

2- When I’m in NYC and the train is late. *@#^!@*!@*#&*@!@&(*!@#!@#!!!!

3- When I’m back home and drink my weight in sweet tea. Thanks, Granny!

4- When I have a few cocktails and decide to text message an ex-lovah. Boredom and booze do not mix, ya’ll!

5- When I have nothing to wear…in a closet that could have individual rooms for shoes, accessories, tops, dresses, costume apparel, you name it. Yet still, absolutely nothing to wear.

 

 

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Top 5 Things That Creep Me Out

1- Men shopping (alone or with their partner) for lingerie. So freaking gross.

2- When people smile in a knowing way when they say bad news. This may sound weird, but you totally know what I’m talking about. It’s a practice generally done by preachers or politicians…and it makes me uncomfortable every time.

3- Habitual Group Joiners. OMG THIS WEEK I’M INTO KABBALLAH AND IT’S THE BEST THING EVER AND I’M SO HAPPY. ..next week:  OMG THIS WEEK I’M VEGAN AND IT’S THE BEST THING EVER AND I’M NEVER GOING BACK…next week:  OMG THIS WEEK I’M DOING PILATES AND IT’S EXACTLY WHAT I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR….Just STFU and be who you are already.

4- Chalk. Oh the texture! It makes me want to jump in a vat of vaseline and swim laps.

5- People who have an exaggerated sense of pride over owning certain brands. I mean, I appreciate Coco as much as the next girl…but I would never say “It’s Chanel” and smile haughtily to my friends. Don’t be a weirdo.

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