Tag Archives: romance

Top 5 Reasons I Might Swipe Left

***Note: Due to the constant urging of one of my coworkers, I joined last week. The results have been nothing short of hilarious. 

1- Shirtless selfie. While I am the last person to throw the washboard abs out with the bathwater, this just does not bode well for emotional stability. Is that all you have to offer?

2- No bio or misuse of your/you’re in said bio. Ain’t nobody got time for that. 

3- Mutual friends. Sorry, you seem normal but our friends don’t need to know I’m on Tinder. Can’t swipe left fast enough.

4- You say you miss me after less than 24 hours of saying hello. Then proceed with a series of messages asking if I’m okay and will call you (after of course sending your phone number to no response). This actually happened. ***For those of you who know how it works, yes I swiped right on this seemingly cool guy…then had to immediately block him.

5- Kids, guns, lifeless animals, goatees, modeling shots, car photos, gym pics, and a laundry list of other no-nos. Once matched, calling me sweetie, babe, hottie, honey, sexy (barf), and beautiful will all get you disqualified immediately. 

*Honorable Mention*
I’m just in the mood. Nothing worse than swiping too fast and realizing you can’t go back. Oh well, another one bites the dust…

 

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Top 5 Things I Find Wildly Unattractive

1- Chatty men- When I go on and on about my friends’ personal lives, I better see a hint of mild disinterest on your face.

2- Sneakers with jeans- It just can’t help but look a little…dorky. Nothing a pair of boots or loafers can’t fix.

3- Paying at dinner/movies/concerts/etc- Sure, I’ll go for the reach every time…and I completely agree that it’s unfair that this double standard exists. But exist it does.

4- Polo shirts with an athletic allegiance- Just not for me and I’ll say no more.

5- Swoop haircuts- If it looks anything like your preacher, politician, or 8-year-old self would sport…say hello to the swoop. 

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Top 5 Slippery Slopes of Life

1- Dating your ex. True, this one is kind of obvious…but all too commonplace, nonetheless!! There was a reason it didn’t work. Recycle your paper goods not your bad decisions.

2. Buying yoga pants. Chances are, these will very rarely see a half lotus…and their flexible waistbands will ironically lessen the need for physical fitness. Real pants miss you.

3. French fries. Next step: salt, ketchup, ranch, cheese, bacon bits…just pick your poison.

4. Credit cards. They exist for a reason and it’s most certainly not to make your life easier.

5. Social media. A quick check here and there=great. Instagramming each meal=annoying. See life through your real eyes…not through the feedback of others, yo.

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Top 5 Indicators That We Might Get Along

1- You use your jacket to cover your bag when it rains…and stare in horror at people who use theirs for overhead coverage.

2- You know the difference between Jonathan Jackson and Joshua Jackson.

3- You understand the gist of public transportation and can read a subway map.

4- You like Dolly Parton.

5- You think PDA is the most abominable thing before 11:00 pm…and the most admissible afterwards.

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Top 5 Reasons I Moved To Tennessee (still got mad love NYC!)

1- I visited and fell in love with the city. I promise cute musicians weren’t the ENTIRE reason…

2- Turns out, having your own washer and dryer isn’t just for fairy tales. 

3- Slowly but surely working toward settling down (and by settling down, I mean getting a dog).

4- Walking ten blocks to the doctor/drug store when you’re sick is for the birds. 

5- I’m grown and I do what I want. 

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Top 5 Rules of Working Life

1- Always be polite and graceful in the elevator. You never know who is coming up to your floor.

2- Don’t forget the therapeutic power of a lunch break. Stopping this time-honored tradition is a slippery slope to crazyville.

3- Wear comfortable shoes…at least on your way there. You can thank me later.

4- Keep an umbrella at the office. And floss. These are two things you never appreciate until they’re gone.

5- Don’t flirt with coworkers. Like ever. It’s unbecoming for all involved. 

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Top 5 Rules of PDA

1- If it’s not dark, put it in park. While stolen kisses on a midnight stroll can (sometimes) be unoffensive, the same scene in daylight makes most people want to vomit all over your romantic moment.

2- If you must, be tasteful and find an alley. After all, courtesy is what makes the world go ’round.

3- Sitting in laps should be kept under 5 minutes. Otherwise, it’s just juvenile and weird.

4- Hair touching should be kept to a minimum. Something about this seems so intimate/really freaking awkward to witness.

5- Absolutely no tongue. Ever. Everevereverevereverever.

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Top 5 Things I Just Can’t Accept

1- That my friends are actually starting to have children ON PURPOSE. When did this start happening?!?!

2- That in Manhattan it costs $23.00 for a mani/pedi and $8.00 for a box of cereal. Clearly, there is something wrong with this picture.

3- That white shoes are “in”—nope, nope, nope. I shall not agree to this nonsense.

4- That Gwyneth Paltrow is the “World’s Most Beautiful Woman”…sorry I’m not sorry, G-Pal. 

5- That all the good ones are taken. Surely there is a male version of myself out there…minus the clumsiness and inability to follow directions. ***must also carry luggage.

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Top 5 Ways I Say I Love You

1- I watch any sporting event for more than 15 minutes…and don’t complain about it.

2- I pick you up at the airport…and brave the godawful Newark, NJ traffic.

3- I cheerfully tolerate your dog licking/jumping on me….and don’t show that I’m dying inside.

4- I go camping/rock climbing/mountain biking…even though I would rather be watching a play in a pleasantly climate-controlled room. 

5- I attempt to cook ANYTHING…even though following recipes makes me angry. I hate being told what to do.

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Top 5 Reasons I Should Maybe Settle Down

1- I’m sick of carrying my own f*&^i@g luggage.

2- I’m petite (i.e. short) and can never reach the top shelf of anything.

3- I figure two minds have a higher likelihood of remembering to put the trash out for pick-up.

4- My mother will kill me if I don’t pass her good looks on to future generations.

5- Jon Hamm isn’t getting any younger.

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