Tag Archives: pets

Top 5 Signs You’re Too Old For This Sh*&

1- One night out means at least two full days of recovery…which means you spend the rest of your weekend with Seamless and Netflix. So not a cute look, girlfriend.

2- You leave bars because they’re too loud and you can’t participate in meaningful conversation…because, ya know, that’s what everyone is looking for on a Saturday night.

3- The thought of taking a Fireball shot makes you want to hurl…EVEN if it’s completely free of charge.

4- You leave happy hour at a reasonable hour so you can take your dog out…and don’t harbor any resentment towards your furry friend.

5- When you see someone living out their rockstar fantasies, you secretly thank your lucky stars that it’s not you. Live and let live!

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Top 5 Ways I Say I Love You

1- I watch any sporting event for more than 15 minutes…and don’t complain about it.

2- I pick you up at the airport…and brave the godawful Newark, NJ traffic.

3- I cheerfully tolerate your dog licking/jumping on me….and don’t show that I’m dying inside.

4- I go camping/rock climbing/mountain biking…even though I would rather be watching a play in a pleasantly climate-controlled room. 

5- I attempt to cook ANYTHING…even though following recipes makes me angry. I hate being told what to do.

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Top 5 Things You Can Learn From Children

1- Mine is mine and yours and yours…unless I want it.

2- Life is more fun without shoes and pants.

3- Water is one of the purest forms of entertainment. And nothing is funnier than a soaked babysitter, mommy, or dog.

4- If you don’t understand, ask. Even if the public questioning humiliates your in-the-know counterparts…it’s their fault for keeping secrets.

5- Feeling bullied? Throw a snarky comment the aggressor’s way and go about your business…stops ’em every time. But make sure your comment is actually funny.

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Top 5 Places That Drive Me Loco

1- Home Depot- Talk about stress. It’s massive, it always takes forever, and I don’t know how anything in there works. As for me, I’ll just linger around the paint samples until it’s time to go.

2- Michael’s- I know I shouldn’t, but I judge.

3- Herald Square- The only miracle that occurs on 34th street is when you get to leave.

4- Parking Garages- To me, they’re reminiscent of a cow getting corralled into a stall…with the added thrill of a potential kidnapping.

5- Pet Smart- Because I want a puppy! And I can’t have one. Suddenly, I’m 8 years old again…

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Top 5 Things Adults Don’t Do

1- Go to Panama City, Myrtle Beach, or Daytona Beach for Spring Break. Let the kids have this one, ya’ll.

2- Proudly display Hollister, American Eagle, Abercrombie & Fitch, or Aeropostale across their chests. If you’re over 18, you look like an ass.

3- Take the cheesiest slice, the corner piece of cake, or the last cookie when there is a child who hopes and dreams you may kill with these simple actions.

4- Make negative comments about their job on social media sites…or talk about it too much in general. The only people who care are the ones that might fire you.

5- Sacrifice the well-being of pets, children, employment, and/or family for more sleep. Consider rest your evolutionary survival tax!

(Welcome back from break, everyone! xoxo)

 

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Top 5 Reasons I Don’t Have A Dog

1- If I wanted to be licked in the face, I would still be dating my high school boyfriend.

2- The only thing I’m willing to wake up for at 6:30 am is a flight.

3- Shocking as it sounds, I don’t like to pick up poop.

4- They can’t go for more than a few HOURS without being attended to? Needy much?!

5- If I’m broke, they still need food. However, so do I. See the problem here?

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