Tag Archives: groceries

Top 5 Signs You Should Chill The F Out

1- You choose cubed ice rather than crushed because it takes less time…even though you prefer crushed.

2- You have given up and replaced milk with coffee when having your morning cereal…because it just seems more efficient.

3- You put your emergency blinkers on and drive like a convict when traffic pisses you off…and have been known to pull this move en route to the grocery store.

4- You get violently angry when people attempt to read to you aloud. 

5- You feel the need to label where the forks, knives, and spoons go in the kitchen drawer…because, ya know, we couldn’t figure that one out ourselves.

 

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Top 5 Ways To Spot A New Yorker

1- They haven’t operated a washer/drier in years…and have no qualms with a complete stranger handling their undergarments.

2- They experience road rage daily…and don’t even own a car.

3- They couldn’t tell you the last time they had fast food…but know everything on the bodega menu downstairs.

4- They can name all five boroughs…but have no inclination to visit more than two.

5- They walk fast and talk faster…and fully expect you to keep up.

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Top 5 Things I Don’t Want To Hear About

1- Your calorie counting. It’s horrible enough to have to listen to your own brain do the math.

2- The problem you refuse to fix (by far, toxic relationships top this list!).

3- Food shopping. I just don’t understand the excitement.

4- The 10 guys that hit on you at last night’s party. Newsflash, you sound like an asshole.

5- Any long drawn out “issue” discussion. We’re all screwed up…accept this little fact and be happy with the company!

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Top 5 Reasons I Don’t Cook

1- I can buy my own charcoal.

2- Grocery shopping is the.most.boring.thing.ever…they shouldn’t even be allowed to call it “shopping.”

3- It’s like sewing {and a few other things}. If people find out you’re good at it, they’ll never leave you alone.

4- I’m terrified of salmonella.

5- I don’t like to be told what to do. That means you Rachel Ray, Martha Stewart, and Paula Deen!!!

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Top 5 Ways You Know You’ve Made It

1- You take taxis whenever the feeling strikes. Don’t feeling like walking in sub-zero temps to the closest L train? Hail a cab! Not in the mood to stare at a stranger’s crotch on a packed subway ride? You don’t have to! Oh how I dream of this day…

2- You no longer stress over the tip/service ratio. Did she REALLY deserve 25% for that mediocre service? After all, those extra two bucks could buy you a morning coffee next week…but what if someone is watching? Scheisse.

3- You never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever have to stay in a hostel again. Suc-cess!!

4- You shop in a posh food market. Notice how I didn’t say grocery store? Organic lollipops for all!

5- You own a Burberry trench.  **Note: This is my own personal yard stick of progress.

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