Tag Archives: fashion

Top 5 Reasons I Need To Make It Big

1- I really, really love jewels and gemstones. So much it hurts. With that said—most occupations frown upon, say my new antique rhinestone watch, as everyday attire. Hmph.

2- I don’t like maneuvering with the masses. Under most circumstances, you couldn’t pay me to go to a stadium-filled concert (Dolly excluded, obv)…but I still like to partake in the fun. Private concert at Versailles anyone? 

3- Sometimes, weekly manicures are the only thing that makes the world tolerable. 

4- I want to be able to wear what I want, where I want, at any time I want. In other words, caftans and diamonds all day/err day.

5- I would do really nice things. Charitable things. I’ve already gotten my platforms figured out actually, just in case you’re wondering. 

 

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Top 5 Reasons I Might Jump You In An Elevator

1- You say something about Dolly. She is a goddess and I will not hear otherwise.

2- You spill a cocktail on my new Ferragamos. If you can’t handle your alcohol, keep it away from my couture.

3- You do something to hurt my little brother. In this scenario, you gonna need that bodyguard…and about 12 of his beefy friends.

4- You go off on some right wing rant that muddles religion, ethics, and politics into one indistinguishable puddle of idiocy. Or you like Glenn Beck. Same thing, really.

5- You go after my boo. Another reason I think Bey is a robot who just does what she’s told…RiRi would have had to regulate. ***

***See about page for more details.

 

 

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Top 5 F%$@)#G Annoying Things I Did Today

1- Tracked down my W-2s. While freelancing most definitely has its perks, it all comes to a screeching halt around tax time. Fourteen emails and nine W-2s later…yea, you get the picture.

2- Talked to my dental insurer on the phone. Really riveting stuff.

3- Wore fabulous, yet slightly uncomfortable, shoes. I fear this is a lesson I will never learn.

4- Burnt my lunch. Impressive, since the only cooking required was to place it in the oven.

5- Cleaned out my car…aka the place where water bottles and magazines go to die.

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Top 5 Things I’ve Inherited From My Mother

1- Little to no self-control when presented with beautiful things….and the ability to pinpoint the tiniest differences between what I want and already own. So what if I already have 3 pointy-toed black pumps? These have a TEXTURED heel!!

2- A quick wit and sharp sense of humor that keeps the bullies at bay. Word to the wise, don’t start something you can’t finish.***

3- I’m a mean, mean, mean hungry person.

4- Silliness and a playful ease around children. You’re Big Bird and I’m Oscar the Grouch? Cool, just give me a sec to hop into the garbage can.

5- Ridiculously good looks. Kidding. Well, maybe. All I know is a stranger once called me out as her daughter, so there’s definitely a resemblance.

***A gift passed down from my ace of a grandpa.

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Top 5 Things That Secretly Annoy Me…Until Now

1- Complaints about the amount of advertising in fashion magazines. Um hello, that’s the best part!! It’s the quickest/easiest way to pinpoint new aesthetics for the season and, quite honestly, is just really pretty!

2- When people proudly espouse opinions that are held by the general public. Yes, if you go in Wal-Mart you will most likely encounter interesting sides of humanity…and the root ingredients used by Taco Bell are probably found in tire rubber and petrol. Tell me something I don’t know. 

3- Recipes. Just another form of being told what to do.

4- Group texts. As most of you probably know, I’m not a phone person…and every time that dadblamed notification goes off it stresses me out. Plus, there’s always that one person who doesn’t know when to let it go.

5- Men who always let their wives dress them, no questions asked. First of all, get some opinions and a backbone. Secondly, leave the mothering to your mother.

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Top 5 Things I Find Wildly Unattractive

1- Chatty men- When I go on and on about my friends’ personal lives, I better see a hint of mild disinterest on your face.

2- Sneakers with jeans- It just can’t help but look a little…dorky. Nothing a pair of boots or loafers can’t fix.

3- Paying at dinner/movies/concerts/etc- Sure, I’ll go for the reach every time…and I completely agree that it’s unfair that this double standard exists. But exist it does.

4- Polo shirts with an athletic allegiance- Just not for me and I’ll say no more.

5- Swoop haircuts- If it looks anything like your preacher, politician, or 8-year-old self would sport…say hello to the swoop. 

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Top 5 Slippery Slopes of Life

1- Dating your ex. True, this one is kind of obvious…but all too commonplace, nonetheless!! There was a reason it didn’t work. Recycle your paper goods not your bad decisions.

2. Buying yoga pants. Chances are, these will very rarely see a half lotus…and their flexible waistbands will ironically lessen the need for physical fitness. Real pants miss you.

3. French fries. Next step: salt, ketchup, ranch, cheese, bacon bits…just pick your poison.

4. Credit cards. They exist for a reason and it’s most certainly not to make your life easier.

5. Social media. A quick check here and there=great. Instagramming each meal=annoying. See life through your real eyes…not through the feedback of others, yo.

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Top 5 Indicators That We Might Get Along

1- You use your jacket to cover your bag when it rains…and stare in horror at people who use theirs for overhead coverage.

2- You know the difference between Jonathan Jackson and Joshua Jackson.

3- You understand the gist of public transportation and can read a subway map.

4- You like Dolly Parton.

5- You think PDA is the most abominable thing before 11:00 pm…and the most admissible afterwards.

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Top 5 Things You Don’t Want To See On A Saturday Afternoon

1) Stacked heels. While I love my Louboutins more than anyone, this just comes off a little garish. Save it for the evening, girlfriend. 

2) A line at your favorite bagel place. Ughhhhh, don’t they know that you’ve been looking forward to this egg and cheese treat all week?!

3) An email from work. I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over my complete indifference. ***

4) Inclement weather. Dear powers-that-be, save that mess for lazy Sundays.

5) The inside of a car for more than 45 minutes. However, if forced, this situation can be slightly improved with an icy beverage and Dolly Parton tunes.

***but I promise to care on Monday.

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Top 5 Commuters Who Should Just Disappear

1- The a-hole who sits spread eagle with his (already large) frame. Usually seen taking up 3/4 of the only available bench. Go you-know-what yourself dude.

2- The panicky rico suave who freaks if someone steps on his precious shoes. If they were that nice, you wouldn’t be on the train…mmmk?

3- Anyone who eats anything remotely resembling food. It’s like watching someone eat in the bathroom…Heebiejeebies.

4- The Metrocard fumbler…I don’t care if you have to duck under the turnstile, when that train is coming you better MOVE son!

5- The perv. There’s one on every train and it never gets less awkward or creepy. Blegh!

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