Tag Archives: dating

Top 5 Reasons I Might Swipe Left

***Note: Due to the constant urging of one of my coworkers, I joined last week. The results have been nothing short of hilarious. 

1- Shirtless selfie. While I am the last person to throw the washboard abs out with the bathwater, this just does not bode well for emotional stability. Is that all you have to offer?

2- No bio or misuse of your/you’re in said bio. Ain’t nobody got time for that. 

3- Mutual friends. Sorry, you seem normal but our friends don’t need to know I’m on Tinder. Can’t swipe left fast enough.

4- You say you miss me after less than 24 hours of saying hello. Then proceed with a series of messages asking if I’m okay and will call you (after of course sending your phone number to no response). This actually happened. ***For those of you who know how it works, yes I swiped right on this seemingly cool guy…then had to immediately block him.

5- Kids, guns, lifeless animals, goatees, modeling shots, car photos, gym pics, and a laundry list of other no-nos. Once matched, calling me sweetie, babe, hottie, honey, sexy (barf), and beautiful will all get you disqualified immediately. 

*Honorable Mention*
I’m just in the mood. Nothing worse than swiping too fast and realizing you can’t go back. Oh well, another one bites the dust…

 

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Top 5 Things That Secretly Annoy Me…Until Now

1- Complaints about the amount of advertising in fashion magazines. Um hello, that’s the best part!! It’s the quickest/easiest way to pinpoint new aesthetics for the season and, quite honestly, is just really pretty!

2- When people proudly espouse opinions that are held by the general public. Yes, if you go in Wal-Mart you will most likely encounter interesting sides of humanity…and the root ingredients used by Taco Bell are probably found in tire rubber and petrol. Tell me something I don’t know. 

3- Recipes. Just another form of being told what to do.

4- Group texts. As most of you probably know, I’m not a phone person…and every time that dadblamed notification goes off it stresses me out. Plus, there’s always that one person who doesn’t know when to let it go.

5- Men who always let their wives dress them, no questions asked. First of all, get some opinions and a backbone. Secondly, leave the mothering to your mother.

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Top 5 Things I Find Wildly Unattractive

1- Chatty men- When I go on and on about my friends’ personal lives, I better see a hint of mild disinterest on your face.

2- Sneakers with jeans- It just can’t help but look a little…dorky. Nothing a pair of boots or loafers can’t fix.

3- Paying at dinner/movies/concerts/etc- Sure, I’ll go for the reach every time…and I completely agree that it’s unfair that this double standard exists. But exist it does.

4- Polo shirts with an athletic allegiance- Just not for me and I’ll say no more.

5- Swoop haircuts- If it looks anything like your preacher, politician, or 8-year-old self would sport…say hello to the swoop. 

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Top 5 Slippery Slopes of Life

1- Dating your ex. True, this one is kind of obvious…but all too commonplace, nonetheless!! There was a reason it didn’t work. Recycle your paper goods not your bad decisions.

2. Buying yoga pants. Chances are, these will very rarely see a half lotus…and their flexible waistbands will ironically lessen the need for physical fitness. Real pants miss you.

3. French fries. Next step: salt, ketchup, ranch, cheese, bacon bits…just pick your poison.

4. Credit cards. They exist for a reason and it’s most certainly not to make your life easier.

5. Social media. A quick check here and there=great. Instagramming each meal=annoying. See life through your real eyes…not through the feedback of others, yo.

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Top 5 Looks I Can’t Help But Give

1- The “I know you are not about to eat off my plate” stare.

2- The ever-so-slight “I don’t believe a word out of your mouth” smile.

3- The “You did NOT just say that to my friend” glare.

4- The “So you work out twice a day and speak three languages?” ogle.

5- The “It’s too early and you’re way too loud” scowl.

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Top 5 Signs You’re With An Old Friend

1- You don’t feel weird about borrowing their deodorant and/or hairbrush…and it doesn’t even cross your mind to ask first.

2- You reminisce about the hot guys in college…and wonder if they ever eventually started wearing shirts.

3- You don’t feel judged for sleeping until noon…or going to bed before midnight on a Saturday night.

4- You still hate the same people.

5-You remind each other of the total doofuses you’ve dated in the past…and thank your lucky stars that the best is yet to come!

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Top 5 Rules of PDA

1- If it’s not dark, put it in park. While stolen kisses on a midnight stroll can (sometimes) be unoffensive, the same scene in daylight makes most people want to vomit all over your romantic moment.

2- If you must, be tasteful and find an alley. After all, courtesy is what makes the world go ’round.

3- Sitting in laps should be kept under 5 minutes. Otherwise, it’s just juvenile and weird.

4- Hair touching should be kept to a minimum. Something about this seems so intimate/really freaking awkward to witness.

5- Absolutely no tongue. Ever. Everevereverevereverever.

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Top 5 Rules of Nature

1- No matter how powerful/successful you are, you are nothing compared to the entity that brings about hurricanes, tornados, tsunamis, etc…so don’t get too big for your britches.

2- Darwinism is alive and real…so going swimming after that fifth beer is not the greatest idea.

3- If you don’t know what it is, don’t touch it.

4- When drawing attention to yourself for mating purposes, make sure you’re not also attracting dangerous predators.

5- Be capable of fighting and/or flighting…otherwise your lifespan doesn’t look that promising.

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Top 5 Reasons I Date Foreigners

1- When they say something you don’t like, it’s easy to chalk it up to translation issues.

2- The likelihood of traveling somewhere exotic is increased tenfold.

3- I am determined for my children to have dual passports.

4- They oftentimes know how to cook interesting and unusual food…excluding the Brits, naturally.

5- Who doesn’t want to be told they’re beautiful in multiple languages?!

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Top 5 Things I Just Can’t Accept

1- That my friends are actually starting to have children ON PURPOSE. When did this start happening?!?!

2- That in Manhattan it costs $23.00 for a mani/pedi and $8.00 for a box of cereal. Clearly, there is something wrong with this picture.

3- That white shoes are “in”—nope, nope, nope. I shall not agree to this nonsense.

4- That Gwyneth Paltrow is the “World’s Most Beautiful Woman”…sorry I’m not sorry, G-Pal. 

5- That all the good ones are taken. Surely there is a male version of myself out there…minus the clumsiness and inability to follow directions. ***must also carry luggage.

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