Tag Archives: creepy

Top 5 Reasons I Might Swipe Left

***Note: Due to the constant urging of one of my coworkers, I joined last week. The results have been nothing short of hilarious. 

1- Shirtless selfie. While I am the last person to throw the washboard abs out with the bathwater, this just does not bode well for emotional stability. Is that all you have to offer?

2- No bio or misuse of your/you’re in said bio. Ain’t nobody got time for that. 

3- Mutual friends. Sorry, you seem normal but our friends don’t need to know I’m on Tinder. Can’t swipe left fast enough.

4- You say you miss me after less than 24 hours of saying hello. Then proceed with a series of messages asking if I’m okay and will call you (after of course sending your phone number to no response). This actually happened. ***For those of you who know how it works, yes I swiped right on this seemingly cool guy…then had to immediately block him.

5- Kids, guns, lifeless animals, goatees, modeling shots, car photos, gym pics, and a laundry list of other no-nos. Once matched, calling me sweetie, babe, hottie, honey, sexy (barf), and beautiful will all get you disqualified immediately. 

*Honorable Mention*
I’m just in the mood. Nothing worse than swiping too fast and realizing you can’t go back. Oh well, another one bites the dust…

 

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Top 5 Things That Always Seem Suspect

1- The “traffic was terrible/train was delayed/accident on the highway” excuse. Most of us have used this one at some point in our lives…thus no one actually believes it.

2- The sickeningly sweet “do you want to save 10% today?!” request from retailers. Listen sir/madam, I know you don’t care two licks about my savings. What you do care about is meeting your credit card sign-up quota…and frankly, that’s none of my concern.

3- The “unlimited mimosas” trend at local brunch spots. How does this even work?? Does the restaurant not take a beating in profits?? Surely there’s a trick in here somewhere.

4- Any child/teenager that washes your car for no apparent reason. Might wanna go ahead and brace yourself.

5- When a person under the age of 40 goes through and “likes” all of your profile pics. To quote Mariah, why you so obsessed with me?!

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Top 5 Things That Don’t Creep Me Out…That Should.

1- Fair Food. Yea, yea, yea…say what you will about the cleanliness, fat content, and all around sketchiness of those technicolor food trucks…then pass me a funnel cake, please.

2- Living in a city where I don’t speak the language. I’ve done this several times and ya know what? It’s really not that scary. You’d be surprised what you can communicate with a little bit of hand motions and some improv dance moves.

3- Nudity. Long gone are the middle school days of crouching behind a love seat to change clothes and/or the infamous locker room paranoia. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

4- Hot dogs. I know that their origins are a bit suspect…but they taste like childhood, baseball games, and heaven.

5- Random (tasteful) compliments from strangers. Words that are ok: beautiful, pretty, stylish, fun.  Words that are not ok: slang for any body part. Gross!

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Top 5 Things That Creep Me Out

1- Men shopping (alone or with their partner) for lingerie. So freaking gross.

2- When people smile in a knowing way when they say bad news. This may sound weird, but you totally know what I’m talking about. It’s a practice generally done by preachers or politicians…and it makes me uncomfortable every time.

3- Habitual Group Joiners. OMG THIS WEEK I’M INTO KABBALLAH AND IT’S THE BEST THING EVER AND I’M SO HAPPY. ..next week:  OMG THIS WEEK I’M VEGAN AND IT’S THE BEST THING EVER AND I’M NEVER GOING BACK…next week:  OMG THIS WEEK I’M DOING PILATES AND IT’S EXACTLY WHAT I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR….Just STFU and be who you are already.

4- Chalk. Oh the texture! It makes me want to jump in a vat of vaseline and swim laps.

5- People who have an exaggerated sense of pride over owning certain brands. I mean, I appreciate Coco as much as the next girl…but I would never say “It’s Chanel” and smile haughtily to my friends. Don’t be a weirdo.

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