Tag Archives: crazy

Top 5 Reasons I Might Swipe Left

***Note: Due to the constant urging of one of my coworkers, I joined last week. The results have been nothing short of hilarious. 

1- Shirtless selfie. While I am the last person to throw the washboard abs out with the bathwater, this just does not bode well for emotional stability. Is that all you have to offer?

2- No bio or misuse of your/you’re in said bio. Ain’t nobody got time for that. 

3- Mutual friends. Sorry, you seem normal but our friends don’t need to know I’m on Tinder. Can’t swipe left fast enough.

4- You say you miss me after less than 24 hours of saying hello. Then proceed with a series of messages asking if I’m okay and will call you (after of course sending your phone number to no response). This actually happened. ***For those of you who know how it works, yes I swiped right on this seemingly cool guy…then had to immediately block him.

5- Kids, guns, lifeless animals, goatees, modeling shots, car photos, gym pics, and a laundry list of other no-nos. Once matched, calling me sweetie, babe, hottie, honey, sexy (barf), and beautiful will all get you disqualified immediately. 

*Honorable Mention*
I’m just in the mood. Nothing worse than swiping too fast and realizing you can’t go back. Oh well, another one bites the dust…

 

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Top 5 Places That Drive Me Loco

1- Home Depot- Talk about stress. It’s massive, it always takes forever, and I don’t know how anything in there works. As for me, I’ll just linger around the paint samples until it’s time to go.

2- Michael’s- I know I shouldn’t, but I judge.

3- Herald Square- The only miracle that occurs on 34th street is when you get to leave.

4- Parking Garages- To me, they’re reminiscent of a cow getting corralled into a stall…with the added thrill of a potential kidnapping.

5- Pet Smart- Because I want a puppy! And I can’t have one. Suddenly, I’m 8 years old again…

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Top 5 Things I Don’t Want To Hear About

1- Your calorie counting. It’s horrible enough to have to listen to your own brain do the math.

2- The problem you refuse to fix (by far, toxic relationships top this list!).

3- Food shopping. I just don’t understand the excitement.

4- The 10 guys that hit on you at last night’s party. Newsflash, you sound like an asshole.

5- Any long drawn out “issue” discussion. We’re all screwed up…accept this little fact and be happy with the company!

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Top 5 Reasons I Should Maybe Settle Down

1- I’m sick of carrying my own f*&^i@g luggage.

2- I’m petite (i.e. short) and can never reach the top shelf of anything.

3- I figure two minds have a higher likelihood of remembering to put the trash out for pick-up.

4- My mother will kill me if I don’t pass her good looks on to future generations.

5- Jon Hamm isn’t getting any younger.

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Top 5 Things That Make Me Uncomfortable

1- Personal conversations on the subway. Call me crazy, but I don’t need 35 other people weighing in on my text convos from the night before.

2- People who do the same pose in every.single.photo. Clearly there’s more going on here.

3- Mega-Churches. The preachers are usually 40 yr old walking advertisements for Abercrombie & Fitch and the accompanying team mentality can be a little eerie. I can do without the horse and pony show.

4- The Fuzz. I don’t get it…I’m a speed limit obeying, law-abiding citizen…what’s up with the anxiety?! I can only assume this is residual fear from my college years.

5- White shoes. No me gusta.

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