Tag Archives: aging

Top 5 Signs You’re Too Old For This Sh*&

1- One night out means at least two full days of recovery…which means you spend the rest of your weekend with Seamless and Netflix. So not a cute look, girlfriend.

2- You leave bars because they’re too loud and you can’t participate in meaningful conversation…because, ya know, that’s what everyone is looking for on a Saturday night.

3- The thought of taking a Fireball shot makes you want to hurl…EVEN if it’s completely free of charge.

4- You leave happy hour at a reasonable hour so you can take your dog out…and don’t harbor any resentment towards your furry friend.

5- When you see someone living out their rockstar fantasies, you secretly thank your lucky stars that it’s not you. Live and let live!

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Top 5 Things You’re Never Too Old To Do

1- Run through the sprinkler. It really doesn’t get better than this…so throw caution (and your silk shirt) to the wind and partake in this time-honored summertime tradition. Extra points if you can toss a trampoline into the mix.

2- Order a kids meal. Whatever, the portions are better and they come in cute little boxes. Just make sure you don’t trash the toy…pay it forward by giving it to a kid on the street or donating to a local hospital/shelter.

3- Fight with your little brother. How long has he known you? Does he really think he’s going to get away with stealing your slice? Time to bust out the ‘ol Hogan moves.

4- Watch Boy Meets World. This show will never, and I repeat NEVER, get old. Here’s hoping the remake [and Topanga’s hair] can stand up to the legend.

5- Call your grandma when you’re sick. Not sure what it is, but my granny always seems to know the appropriate ratio of concern, humor, advice, and cornbread my illnesses deserve.

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Top 5 Things That Always Throw Me Off

1- Not being able to pump your own gas in New Jersey…it just feels so retro.

2- Hearing “Chuck Bass” from Gossip Girl speak in a British accent…how can this be?!

3- People who thoroughly wash dishes before placing them in the dish washer…how am I supposed to know if they’re clean or dirty?!

4- Short action stars à la Tom Cruise, Mark Wahlberg, and Robert Downey, Jr…I guess the camera really does add 6 inches.

5- The fact that Gwen Stefani is three years younger than my mother…and six years older than Kate Winslet. Fairly certain Mrs. Rossdale has sold her soul to Satan.

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Top 5 Reasons Why 27 Is A Weird Age

1- Some of your friends are married with two kids and a mortgage…while others sleep on people’s couches and live off a diet of ramen and Jim Beam.

2- It seems like your peeps are either || to getting hitched or lightyears away from settling down. There is no in-between.

3- It’s when you really start to notice the whole aging thing. You say no to going out on weekdays because you really don’t have the desire…not solely because you’re trying to make a responsible decision.

4- You spend money on kitchen supplies. And know how to use them.

5- Your vacation requirements aren’t limited to hotties with bodies, free booze, and endless tanning options.

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Top 5 Reasons I Can’t Wait To Get Older

1- Gardening. I dream of the day when, like my oh-so-lovely grandmother, I know every name of every flower ever grown in every terrain…I mean, how do old people do that?!

2- Saving money on cosmetics—Sephora, plan accordingly. There is a slight chance your stocks will plummet. 

3- Comfortable footwear—Every. Single. Day.

4- Feeling guilt-free when I take the elevator. It will be so nice to not feel so humiliated when caught in this shameful act! Third floor anyone? Let’s ride.

5- Going on girls’ trips to exotic locales—and proving to the world that it just gets better with age. You can get a senior discount on daiquiris, right?

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Top 5 Ways I Know I’m Not 22 Anymore

1- It’s Saturday night and I’m within 200 feet of a computer.

2- I refer to men I like/date by their actual name…ya know, instead of “quicksilver store guy,” “the scotsman,” or most embarrassingly, “ace with the tattoos.”

3- At this very moment, I have no inexplicable body injuries–no weird waffle shaped bruises, no twisted ankles…and no skinned knees, mom!

4- I spend more money on food than drinks. When did this start happening?!

5- I wake up before noon on weekends…EVEN WHEN I DON’T HAVE TO!!! Can’t say I ever saw this one coming, folks.

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